


FLEA FOR YOUR LIFE

by DaniKleine



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Attempt at Humor, B.O.M. Keith, Everyone's concerned about Keith, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gen, Humorous Ending, I also love love love Allura okay?, I heard that Shiro shares Lance's humor, I just really Love Matt Holt rn atm, I'm using the REAL SHIRO here, Inappropriate use of Allura's shapeshifting, Keith has FLUFFY HAIR, Matt is a Living Walking Shitpost and I love it, Matt is also a very supportive brother (not much shown in this story Im sorry Matt), Not the fakeass one in s3-4, Pidge is Scientific, Rated T for Trolls and Trolling, So many characters talking at the same time was so hard to write, Space Dad Shiro, Team Bonding, Team as Family, forgot to mention, hunk is precious, implied - Freeform, lance is best boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 20:16:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12638400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaniKleine/pseuds/DaniKleine
Summary: Keith managed to getsomethingstuck in his mullet. The team comes in to save him from his itchy misery.Misleading Content, Family Fluff, and Trolling ensured.





	FLEA FOR YOUR LIFE

**Author's Note:**

> Please enjoy this stupid af fic. Have a nice day. (Everyone's _slightly_ OOC, sorry)

The team welcomes Keith back from the B.O.M. with big smiles and warm hugs despite their resident grumpy cat being unusually  _more_  grouchy and unpredictable  _moodswings-wise_...

He's been  _restless_  and  _irritable_ , kept on fluffling his hair like crazy, kicking or punching or slicing stuff, then back to his broody self at the next tick, then suddenly silent and contemplative, and then there's this one time he was caught at the lounge snoozing with the mice so  _peacefully_  it was  _ **un** -Keith-ly_.

 

* * *

 

 _"Is Keith ... generally_ this...  _moody?"_

_"Not at all Princess... Although he's like a pregnant human woman with how moody he is at the moment."_

_"Pidge. No. That sounds sexist."_

_"No Hunk, **it's science**. I'm actually considering to research on whether his Galran genes are causing him a hormonal imbalance. Or! Like, the exposure to his full-Galran counterparts is causing something within him to awaken and thus causes his body to be in conflict with--"_

_"Pidge??? What the quiznak???"_

_"Guys. No. Keith's not pregnant. Why. Why are you guys even talking about him like this. Why."_

_"Hmm, that is a little interesting, what if he's--"_

_"Matt. **No.**  Don't encourage her."_

_"Yes, Space Dad."_

 

* * *

  
Keith's in tears when Lance finds him later in the Castle's Lounge, kneeling infront of the mice who tried their very best to comfort the poor Paladin.

 _"Help me"_  he whimpers and Lance immediately rushes to his aid.

* * *

  
"Keith...I'm so,  _so_  sorry buddy but.... I firmly belive that the Mullet...  _has got to go..._ "

"First of all,  _NOT_  a mullet. Second of all,  **fuck** _ **you**._ "

"Not to say that the B.O.M. is dirty and all that, but the places you go to aren't always perfectly sparkly clean and dust free and... well... free from  _that_. Do other Galras on the Blade.. ?"

"Whatever..." Keith growls, "Just save me from my misery already..."

"..."

"..."

"Do you actually want me to start a speech on why the mullet has got to go?"

 

**_"I DON'T KNOW LANCE!!! JUST!!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, SAVE ME!!!"_ **

 

The mice scurry off because of Keith's outburst.

" _Yeeshhhh_. There, there," Lance manages to pat Keith's head at least twice before Keith managed to swat the hand away. "You so owe me one for this Baby Keef."

"It's KEITH not BABY KEEF. The fuck. Fuck that, I'm not a baby...." he sniffles,

"Yeah. No you're not. So stop crying and sit up."

"I'm not crying."

"Like--yeah, you aren't. Now sit still. This may take a while."

 

* * *

  
  
"What is going on in  _here??"_

" _Someone_  has a rat's nest for a mullet " Lance mutters, not looking up from what he's doing. He was carefully parting Keith's hair with a fine-toothed comb and was occasionally  _stroking_  Keith's head.

 _"Not a fucking mullet."_  Keith counters from below him, looking sulky as ever but on the positive side seemingly less restless compared to earlier.

On another note, he really didn't deny that his head was a rat's nest.

"A rat's nest..." Pidge raises a brow (not that it matters, Lance was too preoccupied. With Keith's head. On his lap.)

"Yep," she says, popping the 'p,' "... _that_  I see. But what's  _going on_  in  _here?"_  She says, emphasizing at the scene before her. Lance sighs. He barely gives Pidge a look as he motions her to come closer to them

"What's so--wait, is that a...?

_"OH SHOOT, **IT IS** **. OH NO. HOLY SHOOT IT IS. IT IS A SIPHONAPTERAA--AAAAHHHHH?!?!?! IT'S FUCKING FLYING?!?!?!? AAAARGGHHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHH!!!!!!"**_

_**"PIDGE!!!"** _

* * *

  
  
"Woah.  _I_  never knew we had a  _BioHazard Suit_  up in Space. Lance. Did  _you_  know that we had a  _BioHazard Suit_  in the Castle? I certainly didn't."

"I didn't know before now buddy. So, I'm on the same page with you here."

"The CastleShip had the materials, but I built it myself."

"Is that... _Pidge?"_

"Yup" Lance replies, chuckling a little.

"Who else could I be? Hiya Hunk. Are those  _cookies?_  Gimme, gimme!!" Pidge exclaims, throwing the mask-part of the suit haphazardly to the floor, Hunk passes the plate of cookies with so many questions running in his mind.

Pidge happily stuffs her mouth with Hunk's cookies.

Hunk decided to address the elephant in the room, "By the way, what  _are_  you guys doing?"

"Exterminating a colony!!" Lance and Pidge grins, Hunk squawks, "A  ** _what_**  now?!"

"Exterminating a  _fucking_  colony." Keith repeats darkly

* * *

  
"Hey guys have you seen-- _oh_. There you...  _all..._ are?"

"Hey Shiro." They all greeted except for the grumpy cat Keith. Shiro squints at the sight before him. He blinks once. He blinks twice. He blinks  _thrice_.

It's still there, nothing's changed. The only thing different is that Keith's face got darker and more murderous, if ever.

He wonders if he was seeing things.

Pidge coughs into her hand and he's brought back to reality from his musings.

"What are you--"

" **Stop.**   _Don't ask._ "

"Well, what  _are_  they doing to  _your_  hair?"

Keith started hissing, "Shiro. Take a  _step back, turn your heel_. And please.  **Go. Away** "

"Are they--"

"SHIRO!!!" Keith practically screeches as Shiro darts over behind him 

"Oh my god they  _are_." Shiro marvels with a dumb look on his face. Keith groans.

" _I_  need to know what you meant by  _that_  Shiro."

 

_~~This was definitely not the first time Keith needed help on this type of situation.~~ _

 

* * *

 

"What is this  _weirdness_  that you're all doing to  _Keith_? On his  _hair_  specifically?"

"We're--"

 **"I want in."**  Matt seriously cuts in Hunk's explanation with shitty imitation of a Batman voice.

Hunk fixes him a look as he literally dives right the pile despite Pidge and Shiro's protests and screeches (Shiro screeched, Matt dove mostly into him instead of the space beside him),

"Well... uh, Okay."

Pidge just snorts and Shiro shakes his head while smirking, Keith just looks as confused as Hunk.

("I  _love_  this guy" "Don't we all, Lance? Don't we all?" "IKR, I love myself too!!"  _ **"Matt."**_ )

 

* * *

 

"This kind of reminds me of that _one_ time with Bae Bae..." Pidge muses,

"Oh God, _that_ time?" Matt hides his grin behind a free hand,

" _Yes_ ," Pidge giggles, nodding enthusiastically, " _that_ time with the burrs..."

"Bae Bae?" Keith questions, quirking a brow up,

"Their dog," Shiro supplies with a chuckle of his own,

"Oh wait--is it because Bae Bae's your family's BA- _BY"_ Lance enunciates, Matt and Pidge simultaneously nodded.

"That's actually pretty clever and kinda cute." Hunk grins.

 

* * *

 

" _Paladins_ \-- _oh_ , are you all... bonding... at the moment?" Allura asks, confused at the scene set before her.  
  
Keith was  _smack_  in the middle of every single one of them. He was sitting with his feet huddled to his chest with his arms right around them (Later on she'll be informed that the grumpy cat had at least changed position 134 times give or take, causing all the others to adjust for him too). Directly behind him was Lance who was in the middle of asking Pidge to hand him some 'forceps' (some tweezers really) and for Matt to wipe away his sweat. Hunk, she'll find out later on, was going in and out of the 'fort' to bring several 'ammunitions' for the team (see: cookies and space juice), Shiro was by their side, holding a plate of tissues where Lance gingerly lays down the things he pluck off from Keith's hair, he occasionally plucks a few things from Keith's hair from time to time too.  
  
"It's actually Keith's punishment for having a mullet" Lance snickers,

"Hehe.  _Yep_." Matt replies, fist bumping Lance.

"It's  _torture_ " Keith mumbles as he puts his hands on his face,

"Haha,  _yup_." Pidge replies, slapping those hands away.

"Stop it you three, we're doing this to help him!!" Hunk chides them, handing over some space juice pouches.

"That's right," Shiro replies, nodding with much gusto while sipping on his juice pouch. It's quite a mystery how the pouch didn't slip away from the straw and fell to the floor.

"Join the fun Princess, you're a Paladin too aren't ya?" Matt grins  _'seductively'_  with a wink, Lance slaps his head for that one. Keith juat groans, Hunk shakes his head and rolls his eyes at his friends hipocrisy, Pidge snickers at his brother's stupidity, and Shiro smiles...  _maliciously_ ,  
  
"Princess, we humans are currently doing a very important human ritual--"

 

 

> _("Wait, what--")_

"--to rid Keith  of his--"

 

 

> _("Oh God, Shiro No. Shiro Stop." Keith said, trying and failing to catch Shiro. He managed to hold onto that guy's Galra arm but Shiro just shrugged it off of him and proceeded to stand up and get himself away from Keith's range)_

"-- _ **fleas**_ , it just so happens that--"

 

 

> _("Someone **please**  stop him!!" Keith waves frantically as Shiro slowly walked closer to Allura)_

"--we need some extra pair of hands." Shiro waves his arm stump, a lot of people were amused and giggling.

Allura's one of them, Keith wasn't one of them,

 

 

> _("AGAIN with the arm puns!!!" He screams with outstretched arms._
> 
> _"You can say that I'm..." Shiro winks, "a HANDful!!")_

"So... Can you help?" Shiro chuckles,

"Well, why didn't you say so?" Allura grins cheekily as she transforms to give... some  _extra_   **pairs**  of hands  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Shiro? Shiro....oh my God... Shiro? Shiro...are you in there?" Keith knocked Shiro's head with Shiro's Galran arm. Shiro was in a state of shock and betrayal and was in no state to answer back.

Keith was then laughing with no abandon while Hunk downright cackles at it, "Nice one, Marmoran Keith!!"

"ALLURA TURNED INTO A  _SLAV!!! **ALLURA**_  TURNED INTO A  _ **SLAV**_   _FOR **YOU**  KEITH!!!  **ALLURA!!! TURNED!!! INTO!!! A!!! SLAV!!! FOR YOU!!!!"**_  Lance all but screams to everyone as he shakes Keith with all his might.

"Oh my  _fucking_  God, Shiro's face.  **Shiro's _duxking_  face.** Oh. My.  ** _God._** " Matt took a deep breath and held himself together in a praying position.

Everyone took on a contemplative silence.

After a tick the sound of all of their laughter blasted the room and he was then curling into himself, rolling on the floor. Pidge was with him somewhat managing to kick him in the face with how much she's laughing out loud, snorting while at the same time chanting, "Shiro, 'Llura,  ** _SLAV_** ,  _oh my, my god._ "

"Oh dear." Allura, the one who managed to compose herself first, was chuckling into her fist, "...was it too much?"

Shiro, who was in a daze, finally managed to pull himself together, mumbled,  _"Quiznak this crap I'm out."_

 

 

Coran, in the hallway, was softly chuckling to himself,  _"Children."_

**Author's Note:**

> Lance and the team were taking turns in liberating Keith's mullet from the infestation of space lice. It sounds slightly disgusting when phrased that way right?
> 
> I wanted to try writing a pun about arms. Then I suddenly remembered that one time I was petting this Shih tzu and then there's this lice(????) that deadass flew to my face???? So this happened.
> 
> Matt and Pidge were supposed to compare Keith with their dog Bae Bae here but yea...


End file.
